Loony Lanes - A Driving Post

Having spent a really f***ed up evening on the road yesterday I am in a enough of a bad mood to share with you some things I hate about the driving animals we see on our UAE roads. I will try to be descriptive yet brief and to the point. If you see such behaviour please try to eliminate it at source and if you drive like that then be warned, because your days are numbered.



The wrong driving habits are (ordered by annoyance factor):


1- Taking the fast lane and driving at 40 km/h lower than the speed limit or at 58 km/h whatever is the lowest. Usually committed by white Nissan Sunny's or people with UAQ or Ajman number plates. Note species shown in picture contains a Shj marking, which are also known to exhibit the above behaviour occasionally but at a lower frequency than their cousins from the North.


2- The minivans and other idiots driving in the 2nd fast lane (that's the 2nd lane from the left of the road) at a very low speed when the other lanes to their right are empty. Thus creating a dangerous hazard, and opens the door to overtaking from the wrong side.


3- Idiots who overtake without realising that they don't have the power to actually overtake and thus block two or more lanes until they realise their impotence. Usually crowded buses or minivans and occasionally trucks even. No one cares about the ban on trucks on main roads eh? This is usually the case when two idiots from (2) above find each other on the same lane and the idiot behind tries to overtake the idiot in the front.



4- Empty trucks driving at 120+ km/h on the right most lanes on Emirates Road.

5- Minivans driving fast around bends and in general without due regard to anyone, including themselves.


6- Idiots who keep flashing you from behind even when the road is full in front of you. These are safely labeled with AD numberplates for easy identification and avoidance. They will usually be covered with very dark tinted windows because they are too ugly to be shown to the world or because they are too cowardly to show their faces. They will not hesitate to use the hard shoulder on the left to overtake. They think that radar flashes are actually flickering lightbulbs for smaller cars.


7- Cars that pull up from a slip road on the right straight into the faster lanes at slow speed like a fat useless duck instead of using the slip lane to accelerate. Usually old-style gold-coloured Nissan Sunnies or overcrowded Corollas from Ajman with the windows down (no a/c) and faded tinting. This form of species is also known to migrate from Al-Ain where slip roads do not exist or are not used.

8- When the animal in (6) above approach a lesser animal from behind, and that animal then turns to the right almost crashing into you because they can only check one thing at a time. Thus means you need to check from AD species when you're in two or more lanes.


9- Fast cars that zig-zag to maintain a high speed. These are usually old Ford Mustangs or Honda Civics that have been lowered and have punched holes in their exhausts. They tend to be young men from Satwa and Jaafliya in Dubai with questionable origins. They are known to misjudge their moves every now and then, and this is manifest in the trashed cars you see on the sides of roads with the description above. They will also have stickers on their cars describing them as animals (e.g. a bulldog sticker, or a sticker saying that he's a Rebel or a street dog or something).


10- Cars that jump queues to take an exit on the right. Police, hello, what are you doing? Close youtube and please sort out our roads. Mind you Shj Police is good in cracking down on this, and I respect them for that. (Image credit: dubaithoughts.blogspot.com)

11- Sharjah plated cars in general. The thing is most Shj drivers actually have Dxb numbers, so those left with the former are quite the species and should be protected from leaving their natural habitat which is infested and abundant with roundabouts.

12- Idiots who drive with their fog lights on during the clear nights. The cars are usually Mercedes c-class coupes or generally Mercedes sedans. The fog light setting on the merc works like this: pull once and you fire up the front fog lamps, and pull again and you'll fire the rear fog lamp that's usually on the right side only. This makes you look stupid and not cool. It makes your rear lights look like one is blown out.

13- This extends to the species in (12) above. It is not cool to drive with just your front fog lights instead of your headlamps. The species with this feature are usually of the Nissanus Patrolus variety with dodgy writing in Arabic at the back supporting a football club of sorts. Since when do animals support football? Fortunately most Nissanus cars do not have rear fog-lamps, and the species in this entry cannot usually afford Mercs. Unfortunately a lot of those species are native of Dubai areas such as Rashidiya or Nad Al Shamma and should never be disturbed because they have nothing to lose. Fortunately they can be identified from a distance. The worst variety by far are those with white cars and black tinted windows with the writing (لا إلاه إلا الله) on the back. Avoid them at all costs. They remind me of what you should say when you die. I believe they are the Arab Kamakazis should that be the last thing you read before you yourself perish. Avoid.


14- Idiots who drive without seatbelts or who allow their kids to hold the steering wheel or both.

15- Any car with any type of Arabic writing on the back. The writing usually says things like (Remember Allah) or (Sub7an Allah) etc. These are the most dangerous types of animals because they are unpredictable. They are charactarised by thick skins and additional stickers usually covering the rear windshield thus making the mirror useless.


They usually drive very white or very black cars that are Nissan Altimas, Dodge Chargers, Toyota Camry's or the worst is the Nissan Armada (nickname the camel) because no matter what car you have, you'll never be able to see past it's hump. Avoid at all costs.


16- Vehicles that jump red lights. Fortunately their numbers are reducing rapidly because of higher enforcement rates and their low survival rates when involved in side and head-on collisions with other, mostly innocent, animals.


17- Species that block yellow boxes.

18- The setting is Emirates Road or SZR. You're approaching an exit and you're either going straight or taking the exit. You find a hesitating rhino. He cuts sharply to the right to take the exit, then changes its mind and goes right. Sometimes in the wilderness, this happens more than once on one exit resulting in chaos.

The rhino usually then uses its hazard lights (like peacocks use their feathers to tell you they are there, except rhinos are so ugly). The rhino will then attempt to reverse to take the exit. A classic! The picture shows a particularly inventive chap.


19- Species that decide to celebrate an accident ahead, an accident on the left, an accident on the right, an imagined accident or if they have had twins by using the hazard lights.



20- Tailgating. Usually this is observed amongst herds of rams that are used to butting things. They are usually equipped with equally powerful motors to do some serious damage. Unfortunately both sides get hurt in a headbutt!

I think twenty is enough, however surely my dear readers will have much more to add to this. In fact, when look at those twenty again I don't think I can possibly order them in any way because they are all very dangerous and annoying activities. Please assume the numbers are used for reference rather than for rank.

As you probably realise, some species are more suited to driving away from any kind of road systems or even roads. And yet some of them cannot manage to reach their destinations offroad as this video demonstrates:



Buckle up and eliminate the idiots on the roads by securing them in their natural habitats.

(Note: The words: people, drivers, animals, rhinos, and idiots are all used interchangeably.)