Friday, 4 September 2009

Loony Lanes - A Driving Post

Having spent a really f***ed up evening on the road yesterday I am in a enough of a bad mood to share with you some things I hate about the driving animals we see on our UAE roads. I will try to be descriptive yet brief and to the point. If you see such behaviour please try to eliminate it at source and if you drive like that then be warned, because your days are numbered.



The wrong driving habits are (ordered by annoyance factor):


1- Taking the fast lane and driving at 40 km/h lower than the speed limit or at 58 km/h whatever is the lowest. Usually committed by white Nissan Sunny's or people with UAQ or Ajman number plates. Note species shown in picture contains a Shj marking, which are also known to exhibit the above behaviour occasionally but at a lower frequency than their cousins from the North.


2- The minivans and other idiots driving in the 2nd fast lane (that's the 2nd lane from the left of the road) at a very low speed when the other lanes to their right are empty. Thus creating a dangerous hazard, and opens the door to overtaking from the wrong side.


3- Idiots who overtake without realising that they don't have the power to actually overtake and thus block two or more lanes until they realise their impotence. Usually crowded buses or minivans and occasionally trucks even. No one cares about the ban on trucks on main roads eh? This is usually the case when two idiots from (2) above find each other on the same lane and the idiot behind tries to overtake the idiot in the front.



4- Empty trucks driving at 120+ km/h on the right most lanes on Emirates Road.

5- Minivans driving fast around bends and in general without due regard to anyone, including themselves.


6- Idiots who keep flashing you from behind even when the road is full in front of you. These are safely labeled with AD numberplates for easy identification and avoidance. They will usually be covered with very dark tinted windows because they are too ugly to be shown to the world or because they are too cowardly to show their faces. They will not hesitate to use the hard shoulder on the left to overtake. They think that radar flashes are actually flickering lightbulbs for smaller cars.


7- Cars that pull up from a slip road on the right straight into the faster lanes at slow speed like a fat useless duck instead of using the slip lane to accelerate. Usually old-style gold-coloured Nissan Sunnies or overcrowded Corollas from Ajman with the windows down (no a/c) and faded tinting. This form of species is also known to migrate from Al-Ain where slip roads do not exist or are not used.

8- When the animal in (6) above approach a lesser animal from behind, and that animal then turns to the right almost crashing into you because they can only check one thing at a time. Thus means you need to check from AD species when you're in two or more lanes.


9- Fast cars that zig-zag to maintain a high speed. These are usually old Ford Mustangs or Honda Civics that have been lowered and have punched holes in their exhausts. They tend to be young men from Satwa and Jaafliya in Dubai with questionable origins. They are known to misjudge their moves every now and then, and this is manifest in the trashed cars you see on the sides of roads with the description above. They will also have stickers on their cars describing them as animals (e.g. a bulldog sticker, or a sticker saying that he's a Rebel or a street dog or something).


10- Cars that jump queues to take an exit on the right. Police, hello, what are you doing? Close youtube and please sort out our roads. Mind you Shj Police is good in cracking down on this, and I respect them for that. (Image credit: dubaithoughts.blogspot.com)

11- Sharjah plated cars in general. The thing is most Shj drivers actually have Dxb numbers, so those left with the former are quite the species and should be protected from leaving their natural habitat which is infested and abundant with roundabouts.

12- Idiots who drive with their fog lights on during the clear nights. The cars are usually Mercedes c-class coupes or generally Mercedes sedans. The fog light setting on the merc works like this: pull once and you fire up the front fog lamps, and pull again and you'll fire the rear fog lamp that's usually on the right side only. This makes you look stupid and not cool. It makes your rear lights look like one is blown out.

13- This extends to the species in (12) above. It is not cool to drive with just your front fog lights instead of your headlamps. The species with this feature are usually of the Nissanus Patrolus variety with dodgy writing in Arabic at the back supporting a football club of sorts. Since when do animals support football? Fortunately most Nissanus cars do not have rear fog-lamps, and the species in this entry cannot usually afford Mercs. Unfortunately a lot of those species are native of Dubai areas such as Rashidiya or Nad Al Shamma and should never be disturbed because they have nothing to lose. Fortunately they can be identified from a distance. The worst variety by far are those with white cars and black tinted windows with the writing (لا إلاه إلا الله) on the back. Avoid them at all costs. They remind me of what you should say when you die. I believe they are the Arab Kamakazis should that be the last thing you read before you yourself perish. Avoid.


14- Idiots who drive without seatbelts or who allow their kids to hold the steering wheel or both.

15- Any car with any type of Arabic writing on the back. The writing usually says things like (Remember Allah) or (Sub7an Allah) etc. These are the most dangerous types of animals because they are unpredictable. They are charactarised by thick skins and additional stickers usually covering the rear windshield thus making the mirror useless.


They usually drive very white or very black cars that are Nissan Altimas, Dodge Chargers, Toyota Camry's or the worst is the Nissan Armada (nickname the camel) because no matter what car you have, you'll never be able to see past it's hump. Avoid at all costs.


16- Vehicles that jump red lights. Fortunately their numbers are reducing rapidly because of higher enforcement rates and their low survival rates when involved in side and head-on collisions with other, mostly innocent, animals.


17- Species that block yellow boxes.

18- The setting is Emirates Road or SZR. You're approaching an exit and you're either going straight or taking the exit. You find a hesitating rhino. He cuts sharply to the right to take the exit, then changes its mind and goes right. Sometimes in the wilderness, this happens more than once on one exit resulting in chaos.

The rhino usually then uses its hazard lights (like peacocks use their feathers to tell you they are there, except rhinos are so ugly). The rhino will then attempt to reverse to take the exit. A classic! The picture shows a particularly inventive chap.


19- Species that decide to celebrate an accident ahead, an accident on the left, an accident on the right, an imagined accident or if they have had twins by using the hazard lights.



20- Tailgating. Usually this is observed amongst herds of rams that are used to butting things. They are usually equipped with equally powerful motors to do some serious damage. Unfortunately both sides get hurt in a headbutt!

I think twenty is enough, however surely my dear readers will have much more to add to this. In fact, when look at those twenty again I don't think I can possibly order them in any way because they are all very dangerous and annoying activities. Please assume the numbers are used for reference rather than for rank.

As you probably realise, some species are more suited to driving away from any kind of road systems or even roads. And yet some of them cannot manage to reach their destinations offroad as this video demonstrates:



Buckle up and eliminate the idiots on the roads by securing them in their natural habitats.

(Note: The words: people, drivers, animals, rhinos, and idiots are all used interchangeably.)

23 comments:

hemlock said...

buj, i LOVE the video you've posted... i posted it about 18 months ago on my blog saying i wanted to go there... the liwa festival...
alas, no can do... gender issues.

the first picture you've linked... *sigh*. insane, unnecessary risks; outright disregard for everyone and everything. sad.

if you search for "crazy arabs" on youtube, you'll come up with a bunch of such videos. a couple where you see people being crushed... =(

that said, driving on UAE roads (and making it home) can be quite an adrenaline rush... the thrill you get from amusement park rides just doesnt compare.

DoTs... said...

well well .. someone was pissed off .. :p
thank God i don't drive .. i was wondering if i did i'd fall under which of these "categories" and "species" of yours :p

rosh said...

haha! I 'almost' miss it all, in some crazy, self inflicting masochist way, I'm serious :)

What's needed:

STRONG continued ENFORCEMENT. Especially if someone pulls out the wasta card - immediate points and triple the fine.

EDUCATE, EDUCATE, EDUCATE, EDUCATE!

Points! Bring on and enforce the point system. Ans simultaneously ease the crazy ass waiting period / duration to obtain a driver's license.

BTW, there have been the rare occasions I have inadvertently blocked the 'yellow boxes' :)

Everyday drivers across the UAE can relate much to what you're saying here. Fantastic post!

A Blessing in Tragedy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A Blessing in Tragedy said...

Education doesnt do anything. SOME people just arent ready (evolution wise) to drive. Just as some parnets shouldnt be parents.

I agree 100% that actual enforcement is needed. We have the laws. We have many many laws. we have too many laws. so many that most people living here dont even know which ones are the current ones. They just arent enforced.

As for the "wasta card" A cop that goes against the wasta cord ends up not being a cop for many days afterwards. Truth. If your wasta is a Lieutenant in the reg. dept, then sure, a captain can over ride him.

If your wasta is the head of HH Sh. Saif's office... NO cop is going to go against that order. none.

I too had an amazing weekends driving wise.

I was at a RED LIGHT, in front of Ibn Battuta mall... and a guy came up behind me... and DIDNT STOP.

Rammed right into me. The rear bumper torn to shreds and the 1/4 panel gone.

I get out, and point out that Im not small, and dont drive a mini, my car is also NOT painted with see thru paint, as he said he didnt see me.

His response then was... forgive me... I'm fasting!

I should have pretended to have back pains and went with it.

Thank god it was the SS. I am DEATHLY afraid to drive my Charger on our roads because of this BS.

Nice post BuJassem.

Dubai Jazz said...

Many of these folks can’t dance (or can’t get themselves seen dancing), so instead, they pull off the acrobatic maneuvers on Al Dyiafa road to impress the ladies.

You’d be a saint to drive through the circus on weekends and not use every cussing word in the dictionary.

Lirun said...

vicious

moryarti said...

Sho buj? bad day? :)

6awel balak bro.. Dubai roads are nothing in comparison to some other places I've been to like Cairo, Beirut or Mumbai...

Even in NYC (eh Rosh?) with the suicidal driving :)

Just take a deep breath and keep spreading the luuurv..

A Blessing in Tragedy said...

Just because our roads arent the worst doesnt make it a good thing. Shit shouldnt get to 0 before real action is taken.

BuJassem said...

Dots It's always a complete PLEASURE when you comment on z blog.. i wrote about the driving what i didn't write about was the driver or the destination.. i think that would have killed it. btw, i don't think you should drive.. you're too good for these roads

hi Hemlock.. glad you LOVEd the video.. i did just googled some videos exactly how you described and put up the funniest one!

mind you i did take some time and effort to get the pics just right for the words attached.. oh well

MR Rosh have you blocked a yellow box? tut tut tut!!

Always lovely to read ABIT :) and thanks Mory for the thoughts.. and yes i had a really terrible evening. such a wasted Thursday night.

ayla said...

It's so true that driving in Dubai gives an adrenaline rush!

Just yesterday when driving from Dubai Mall and back i encountered several of those: Huge lorry speeding in the second to right lane; stupid big fat ugly nissan with its fog lights on (i wanted to destroy that car); you forgot small tiny motorcyclist whose bike cannot go above 50 or 60. I feel sorry for those poor sods...

You missed the sports cars that think that because they are sports cars, they can cut in front of you in any and every queue; those assholes who cannot wait one bloody minute for you to park; oh and the ones i really really hate, they cut in front of you or drive bloody slowly and in the middle of two lanes!

The other day I saw a card on the wrong side of a two lane service road driving at around 40/kph with its hazard lights on. That was one of the most screwed up things i have every seen.

It was good to get that out!!!!

love4peace said...

SOME people just arent ready (evolution wise) to drive. Just as some parnets shouldnt be parents.

Well said . Heard abt a friend's accident recently , it's all his mistake as he was wrongly jumping in between 2cars . what's his daddy's reaction after knew that his son's none harmed : he ask him leave the car and he will send sum1to sloved it out . bear in mind , he's 18 and had already damaged 5,6 cars in the past .

Muscat360 said...

#13 had me rolling around in tears! hilarious :)))

but seriously, we have a problem, and the problem is getting worse, not better. Allah yistur. Lots more awareness with a load more enforcement, that's what we need.

A Blessing in Tragedy said...

Lots more awareness with a load more enforcement, that's what we need.

This country doesnt enforce God's laws except when it sees cash, you think it'll enforce man made ones?

Muscat360 said...

Blessing in Tragedy:
wow, and i thought i was a cynic!! totally feel u, tho i think its getting to a point where all the was6a in the world cannot change the road traffic statistics- deaths and injuries are seriously on the rise, and there's only so much cash/was6a that can be paid out/utilized before there's a back-lash. So just like its the darkest b4 surnrise, its probably gng to get a whole lot worse b4 it gets better..

BuJassem said...

Ayla.. i enjoyed reading your outburst.. i think i should accomodate your comments in Part 2 of this post. :)

Hala Muscati360.. thanks for your comment.. glad i made u laugh.. trust me, if u come here u will cry at our drivers.

actually Part 2 of the post should include a bit about saudi and omani drivers! after the uae, i would rate oman as my absolute favorite GCC country to live in.. without any country coming close to a 2nd place. it's such a civilised place and you get to feel it's oman everywhere. not like dubai.. you feel ur in birmingham at the JBR, in russia at the marina, in india at karama, and in 1400 when in Twar! there is no arab feel to dubai.
anyway omani drivers are the best in oman, but when they are let loose on dubai roads with dubai police then forget it.. just forget it!

Muscat360 said...

BuJ, 3oman'd love to have u, min thoqak walla :))) and i don't have to say anything about how much we love the UAE- just look out for the throngs of Omanis during any national holiday :))) we seriously love visiting our neighbors up north!

having said that, i'd love to hear ur take on 3omani drivers in Dubai, Allah yistur lol. I have to admit, i'm a stickler for traffic laws and i follow them religiously. But when in Dubai, i swear its each for his own. I'm turned into a UAE driver for the couple of days i drive there. And for that, you have my heartfelt apologies. I'll try harder on my next trip lol

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

OMG its been so long since i last visited ur blog! Hey BuJ, seems u have relocated to Dubai (??)

regardless of all the points u had mentioned, many valid, what i totally hate about drivers here, is the natural love for drama, STOP RUBBER NECKING PPL!!! everytime there's an accident, there has to be a HUGE tailback coz ppl love watching misery. just go to ur destinaion already!

phew! got that of my chest :D i hope with the metro, the traffic will ease, and hopefully after a lot of work, the idiots will realize they are unfit behind a wheel and actually use another form of transportation. altho my (pessemistic) instinct tells me thats not gonna happen!!

Anyway, Ramadan Mubarak to u and urs, whats left of it at least :)

BuJassem said...

Muscat360.. thanks for your welcome.. actually I love Oman.. and I have an uncle who is living on the hills of Ruwi for many many years. He's my Omani uncle!

I've got some excellent ideas from you and others on Part 2 of this post! I cannot wait! This stuff should be documented :)

ProudPali so good to see you girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY HAS IT BEEN SO LONG?!!?!

how have u been? Glad ur still alive, but sad to read about your Dad.. very sad indeeed. Especially so young.

I resigned from my UK job after a lot of sleepless nights thinking about it. Took a job in Dubai after much family pressure and slowly trying to settle in. It's not easy at all. Familywise and lifewise.. but i'm trying to settle.

Ramadan Kareem indeed to you and yours (why do ppl say that?), I prefer to say "to you and those you love"..etc.

Seriously great to read from you!

Muscat360 said...

BuJ, you have a 3omani uncle? Hmmm... U know, globally its 6 degrees of separation. In 3oman, its 2. So i'm betting i know u already, or someone who knows u who knows u. I probably know ur uncle! lol
and on settling back home, totally feel u. when i went abroad to study, everyone was talking about how we should expect to feel some form of culture shock. from the moment i arrived til i graduated, i was like "what culture shock?" Let me tell u the culture shock started when i got back home (we experienced it in small doses each time we came back on holiday too). Memories... *sigh* thank god that's behind me! Good luck on making the transition, trust me it gets better :)))

Rationality said...

BuJ… You classified the lanes animals in UAE XD accurately lol.

I read the anger tone in your post, calm down dude those kind of people can’t learn easily they got lessons after an experience they got a hard one!

That frivolous and youthful gang you post in the 1st picture reached the core of insanity; I don’t know how they put their lives on line easily by that reckless way! Put the one who jumped above the car aside this is really crazy *he is brainless not heartless as it has been written on the picture*, wish that I can ask them what’s the point after all of this fiasco!

Thanks for your post BuJ I enjoyed reading and watching the crazy video you post XD.

BuJ said...

welcome Rationality :)

what does "XD" mean?

u use it a lot!

ok i do get angry when i think about driving.. why? coz we :

1- have amazing roads, and yet loads of congestion.

2- have abnormal accident and death rates. it's completely unnecessary

3- have amazing manners and politeness in our culture, but it all evaporates when ur on the road.

shame shame

then, the police make matters worse and not better, and i get a bit angry, sorry!

Rationality said...

BuJ
XD : It's like a big smile, when you smile really big smile

X = the closed/squinted eyes.
D = the mouth.
I know, but I meant no need to burn your cells just like that for a matter outta your hands that would affect your health :)